Sometimes, I wish that Matthew Bellamy’s voice spoke the truth; that together we’re invincible. But, lately, I find myself more alone than ever. And it’s an odd feeling: loneliness. For starters, I’m of the type to rarely feel lonesomeness. But, the past few months have given me doubt as to whether or not I do feel loneliness, with the winner being that I most likely do feel it.
University has been a major change for me, though I’m adapting quite well when it comes to the basic emotions of the process. My room-mate and I get along very well, my house-mates are all great people that I enjoy spending time with, the food is spectacular, and my classes haven’t been all that bad. Adapting to the intense amounts of reading seemed to be the most difficult, but now I’m finding that there are other things going on in my mind at present. I’m not sure if I’m adapting emotionally enough, though. I don’t miss home. But I miss something. I miss my friends that I left in St. Charles. I miss the Missouri River and sitting beside it. I miss the feeling of the city lying on my doorstep. Kirksville is wonderful, but there’s something not right about it, and I think that it is the same with any university. It’s the fact that our lives are now taking a backseat, and everything focuses on Campus. These few blocks now make up my entire world, and I am not the type to be boxed in. I like existing somewhere large–it’s why I want to move to the city. Suburbs, towns, rural communities, and campuses just aren’t conducive to a happy Missi.
And I’m not sure if my missing something links back to loneliness. I see friends daily, and things work out. I’ve met some cool people, too, just not people to replace friends that I already have. There are a couple friends that I’m missing a lot that I just couldn’t replace. One of them being someone that I just realised I missed today. We were never super close, but friends nonetheless. In fact, I might have been closer to her brother. Still, I realised today that I missed her, and I told her so.
Anyway, though, none of this really makes sense. These are just thoughts that I wanted to relay, and organisation took a backseat. Which, I have to admit, is unusual for me. I’m more of a thinker than a feeler, though that line is getting narrower as time goes by. And maybe I only notice it more than the average person because I’m so in tune with myself. I know myself rather well, and it makes it easy to see the changes.
It probably doesn’t help that I study MBTI, either. But that’s another story.
I think I bring up these thoughts right now because of two things: I am terrified of my psychology exam tomorrow (one that is supposedly extremely difficult and that I have not yet studied for), and my dog is dying. The latter weighing more heavily on my mind. Teddy is the same as a sibling to me, and this is going to be difficult. Within this year, I lost my home, will lose my dog, and will lose my grandmother (who’s dying of cancer). Altogether, things just don’t seem to be going right.
But I’ll keep listening to Muse and sitting outside and trying to breathe. And, within the next few weeks here, maybe I’ll get the new Muse CD. Maybe that will help. Most likely not, though.