A Year, 2010

Once again, I’ve nearly made it through an entire year.  As such (and to continue the tradition from last year), here are the accomplishments, triumphs, failures, and events that marked my past year.  Feel free to make your own to share!

• I made it through my first year of university at Truman, finishing off with a decent GPA and tons of friends to boot.
• Three and a half inch heels and four inch heels–I made them my bitch.
• I went on an aeroplane by  myself for the first time to visit my dad in Florida for two weeks, where I tried Sashimi for the first time (practically raw tuna with wasabi and pickled ginger), visited Key West and some other nifty beaches, and got massively sunburnt.
• If you caught that part about Sashimi, you’ve probably figured out that I became a pescetarian over the summer.  Half of my just didn’t care any more about avoiding fish while the other half just kept nagging about all of the great omega-3 oils and brain-helping nutrients.  This has allowed me to become pretty damn obsessed with sushi, by the way.
• I started a pretty shitty fashion blog about Midwest fashion.  Now that I have a new camera, I plan on taking more pictures for it, though.
• Which brings me to a creeper moment for this year: I definitely worked up the courage to ask random people to be models for my fashion blog since they were wearing cool outfits.  I’m actually pretty proud of myself for having the guts.
• For a failure, I definitely had a big falling out with someone who had been my friend, leaving us in some kind of acquaintance limbo.  And I’m not too proud about playing dirty and being really bitchy about it, but my life had gotten to a major point where I had to either step up or drop into obscurity, meek and silent as I get walked upon.  You all know I’m not really the type to allow the latter.
• I got a sewing machine!
• And I’ve sewed all kinds of really crappy things; mostly for work.
• Oh!  So, I got a volunteer job down on Main Street, Saint Charles at the First State Capitol State Historic Site in June.  I get to dress up in 1820s clothing, teach people history, give tours, work with kids, all kinds of fun stuff.  After a month and a half of volunteering, I managed to get a position with the Missouri State Youth Corps so that I could get paid for my volunteer work.  It’s been an absolutely amazing experience, and if all goes as planned, I will be working there next summer as well.
• Over October, my dog, Teddy, passed away after a year and a half of massive heart problems.  I had spent the entire summer preparing for him to pass away, which helped me when it actually did happen, but that doesn’t make it any less sad.  You probably already know that he meant a lot to me, but I don’t feel very burdened.  So that’s a start.
• My grandparents are still somehow making it.  My grandma was diagnosed with cancer last year, and she’s finally made the decision to quit treatment and just last these months out.  My grandpa, meanwhile, had a quadruple bypass that didn’t go as well as it could have, though he’s recovering now.
• The rest of the family is decently healthy (or at least in comparison to my grandparents), though there was a lot of tension when my brother was kicked out for his misconducts that he’d been warned for years to cease.  He now lives with my dad in Florida, which seems to be working out better for him.
• This past year, I’ve been building up a second family up in Kirksville (or at least it feels like that).  I signed the lease for a house for next school year with Jess and Noah, which is pretty damn exciting.  And we’re right next door to Ann, Ginny, and James, which means we’ll share a big side yard and have dinner parties.  Huzzah!
• This implies that I’m still friends with everyone up at uni, as well as some new folks.  I also finished up my first semester of sophomore year and started my new studio art minor.  It’s been really neat to see my artwork improve over the semester, and we’ll see how much better it gets by the end of next year.
• I went to Iowa for the first time.  No worries, it was as mundane as the sentence seems to convey.

New Music for this Year (or at least music I was exposed to this year):

• Kate Havnevik’s Melankton
• Emilíana Torrini’s Love in the Time of Science and Fisherman’s Woman
• Kingdom of Heaven Soundtrack
• Loreena McKennitt’s The Book of Secrets and The Visit
• ALL CAPS’ Bmin/E
• Amy MacDonald’s This is the Life
• Arcade Fire’s The Suburbs
• Broken Bells’ Broken Bells
• Coldplay’s Parachutes
• Florence + the Machine’s Lungs
• Fiona Apple’s Extraordinary Machine
• Imogen Heap’s Ellipse
• Joanna Newsom’s Have One on Me
• Joe Purdy’s This American
• Kate Miller-Heidke’s Curioser
• KT Tunstall’s Eye to the Telescope
• Modest Mouse’s Good News for People Who Love Bad News
• Natacha Atlas’s Halim
• Patrick O’Hearn’s Glaciation
• Sigur Ros’s Takk…
• Vampire Weekend’s Contra
• White Lies’ To Lose My Life
• Yael Naim’s Yael Naim

New Books:

• Robert Cialdini’s Influence: The Science of Social Influence
• Ray Bradbury’s Fahrenheit 451
• Charles Dickens’s Great Expectations
• Dude, I can’t remember the last time I read a new book for pleasure.  Aside from text book reading, I’ve been chilling with the old favourites: Dan Brown’s Digital Fortress, Memoirs of a Geisha, Dragon’s Bait, et cetera.
• But, I’ve gotten into some web comics: Questionable Content and xkcd.

New Films:

• HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS
• Love and Death (a quirky Woody Allen film)
• Troy
• Darjeeling Limited
• The Losers

I really haven’t done all that much this year aside from lots of music listening (shit son, way more than I thought after making that list), working my butt off, chilling with friends every chance I get, and finding some new hobbies (such as interior design/décor, art art art art art, reading webcomics, et cetera).  I’ve learned to love libraries and sushi and appreciate some of the people around me a lot more.  I hope that you all have had an interesting year with lots of learning and events.  Hope to see you all next year!

Missi

Read Full Post »

Christmas on Main Street

Well, I finally have my new camera, which meant a picture taking frenzy began while shopping around Main Street with friends.  Enjoy some photos!  It was an awesome day, and I’m excited to work down there in my 1820s clothing over the next couple of days.

I met the Irish Santa!

I caught up with Nicole, Jen, Lindsay, and later Noah for a little while.  And while people watching on Main Street, I bumped into Katie and my ‘third’ grandparents’ son, his wife, and their two adorable kids.

I also kind of bumped into a giant Christmas parade, full of characters dressed from the 1800s, the Fife and Drum Corps, faeries and angels, international Santas, horses, carriages, and all kinds of fun things.

“They don’t want a picture of your, darling.  I’m a star.”

Also, if my Lord of the Rings themed wedding falls through, can this be choice number two?  Come on.  Celtic/Irish wedding!  I need to meet a guy willing to wear a kilt…  Maybe I’ll just stalk Thistle and Clover more often.

Meanwhile, I bought an awesome sarong from The Enchanted Attic and a beautiful hat from The English Shoppe.  Pictures will be sure to come eventually.

It was a pretty awesome time down in Main Street, though, and I got to get dressed up and attend a kick ass bluegrass concert last evening in the upper floor of the First State Capitol.  I was probably only one of two people under fifty, but it was a hell of a time.  Of course, I’m biased being a major blue grass fan, but how can you go wrong with mandolin-led Christmas tunes?  You can’t.

Well, there you have it.  A lovely day full of parades, friends, historical dressing up, and shopping.  Have a great time before Christmas scaddadles, and if you’re thinking about visiting Main Street in Saint Charles, Missouri, DO IT!

Read Full Post »

Spoilers and Links!

And now I’m right back at school and with so many interesting, challenging, fun things to do before now and when I go back home in two and a half weeks.  Wow.  Such a short amount of time before I’m heading right back, yet everyone makes it out to be such a long time.  But really, that’s two weeks of classes (and, oh you know, five exams), six chapters of psych to read, one stats assignment, three art projects, and Mrs Dalloway to finish up.  And then four/five finals!  I can do it, I can do it!

This weekend, I’m taking two days out on Friday and Saturday in order to make a (spoilers) for my mum for her joint birthday and Christmas present.  I’ll tell you what it is after I give her the gift, and I’ll be sure to put up pictures (with my new Nikon Coolpix that needs to be removed from its box).  Rest assured that it is something both artsy and never previously done by me.  My art professor is giving a class to a few of us about how to make unsaid object, so it will be pretty exciting to learn a new skill (even if I will be probably horrible at it).  I’ll give you a hint if you promise not to tell my mum, though.

Anyway, Thanksgiving holidays went well, though I saw less of my friends than I had anticipated.  I had two delicious meals with my mum’s side of the family and also with my dad’s/sister’s, was able to visit my work and chat with the managers, went to a bonfire with friends, and I even went Black Friday shopping to get money off of some boots I had bought a few days before ($100 off of the original price is incentive enough for me to brave the hordes of shoppers).  Somehow, Noah and I found a spot at the very, very front of where we wanted to be at the mall.  And thank God, because otherwise, it meant parking at least a half mile away, which would require us to cross seven lanes of very busy traffic.

But I spent a lot of time reading comics (such as Questionable Content and xkcd) and watching old episodes of Cowboy Bebop, which sort of felt like me from eighth grade coming to punch me in the face.  After six years of travelling, it’s built up some momentum.  My brother also gave me all of Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law before he set out to move in with my dad, which, yes, happened on Sunday.  Hopefully he will be getting along a lot better down in Florida than here in Missouri where it’s just constant bickering.

The rain is coming in now, though, with chilly winds and so little light that it should be criminal.  I’ll set off to listen to more Natacha Atlas songs on Youtube so that I can decide which of her albums to buy today since I have a coupon from Amazon.  Oh, decisions, decisions.  Halim or Gedida?  Both are awesome albums of Egyptian/Arabic/French songs blended with electronic, hip hop beats.  She’s like listening to a young generation from the Gaza Strip.  So I’ll leave you to go decide on an album, though there’s really no wrong choice; both that I’ve previewed are amazing.

PS: If there were any more links in this post, I’m pretty sure WordPress would explode.  I just thought it would be fun to give some examples and references to you folks for all of the crazy things I chat about.

Read Full Post »

An Update

I need something a little more new and… well, not of Teddy when I happen across my own blog, so this is the obligatory “How are things going?” kind of blog, I guess.  I’ll keep it short (or as short as I’m known for keeping things).

Halloween: Dressed up as Helena Ravenclaw and passed out candy in the lounge–which was decorated at Howarts.  Awesome?  I think yes.

Uni: Stressful, as always.  The amount of reading is what’s really been getting me lately.  Five chapters for an exam in a week.  One novel for this class.  One book about psychology for another.  Statistics exams and psych presentations and art projects.  It’s not that I don’t enjoy them–I do, they’re interesting.  But it’s just a little much, and I’m really at that point in the semester where I just want to sleep for a week straight.

Friends: I got to see Laura and Katie D this weekend when they came into town for the Relient K and Jack’s Mannequin concert.  I’ve also been spending a lot of time with Katie, James, Ann, Jess, Abby, Jenn, Julia, et cetera.  Our house really does feel like a house and not like a bunch of rooms in a dorm.  I’m anticipating seeing some of my friends from back home for Thanksgiving, though.  It will be great to see all of your lovely faces soon!

Family: I’m doing okay with Teddy.  Really.  I mourned a lot for him over the summer when I knew that he was very sick and going to pass away soon, so I was very prepared for his death.  It just didn’t keep it from being completely painless, of course.  Meanwhile, though, my oldest sister is now engaged!  (And it is very exciting, as I approve very, very much.)  This means that both of my sisters are getting married some time in the not so distant future, like maybe both within the next year or something.  I’m looking forward to seeing them and our family!  My brother is currently in the process of moving out and into my dad’s in Florida because of continuous disagreements between Marshall and my mum.  It’s not the best of situations, but that’s another topic of conversation.

Relient K and Jack’s Mannequin concert: It was fun, and I enjoyed hanging out with lots of friends in line and at the show (even if the blistery cold outside did make some joints go out of socket).  Laura, Noah, and I watched most of Jack’s Mannequin perform from the very top of the seating and very far away, but they were excellent seats (much better than the floor) because you could really see everything.  They’re very energetic performers, and I enjoyed watching them, even if I really don’t know all of their music.

Last Friday: Between three hours of sleep, a week of studying and working, the stats exam at 7.30 am directly followed by the social pysch presentation that I had to run to get to in time, and then seeing a kid playing HvZ drop into a massive seizure after falling and hitting his head, I spent a good deal of it crying and then crying some more and then finally giving up and taking a nap.  I felt like a woman possessed.

Anyway, I’m now working on some projects and reading and chilling to a new Arcade Fire album, which is this post’s musical gift.  I hope that you enjoy.

Read Full Post »

Don’t drink that, Samantha Brown!

I enjoy leaving the house for work.  And I enjoy dressing up in colonial clothing, crocheting, and teaching others about Missouri State history on Saturdays.  I enjoy when people try to give me tips after I give them a tour, even if it goes straight into the donations box.  I enjoy the look on people’s faces when they see that I’m a teenager wearing a shirt that says “Youth Corp”, and yet I’m more informed than they are on any given history subject.

I also enjoy that I am now paid for the work that I did as a volunteer and that I will be (possibly) rehired for winter and summer holidays.  Main Street treats me right.

Anyway…

I go back up to uni in two weeks, yet I haven’t even started packing.  Admittedly, there is not yet much of a need, but it tickles me that I was actually completely finished packing by this point last year.  But, as a returning student, I just don’t really give a shit.  I just want back.  It’s such a lovely escape from home.  Sure, I wish I could see some friends more often, but that’s life.

Life has been teaching me a few lessons lately, one of which happened when I was invited to visit with friends but had to sew an under dress for my outfit at work.  I’ll admit to crying at midnight, trying to convince myself that this was the real world and that I wouldn’t always get to be with everyone when I wanted.  It had never been a problem for me during high school when I slaved away with student council projects or school plays, but I was always with other people that I cared about.  When sitting in my room with a sewing machine and Maroon5 on repeat, it feels a little different–a feeling that I have not commonly felt as resident introvert.

Resident introvert in this corner feels nothing.

NOTHING.

She sits by herself and is completely content.

COMPLETELY CONTENT.

Her abilities to keep herself entertained by only reading and making up stories is phenomenal.

PHENOMENAL.

So, feeling bad about not getting to see people was something a little new.  And maybe I’ll get used to it as time drags on, creating less and less opportunities for me to have a purely social life alongside working (which, in the past, was just school–not actual work).

But I do love my work.  I love the learning opportunities and interesting conversations that can pop up.  I love that I can be completely nerdy.

It’s kind of like what I’m doing right now, typing up bloggin’ shit and watching Travel Channel (Anthony Bourdain and Samantha Brown; though not at the same time.  I’m fairly certain that he’s made fun of her on his show before).  But it’s about Asia, so of course I’m there.

Dude.   Dude.  Malaysia.  I’m gone.

Read Full Post »

A moment of spite

All right, I caused a lot of hurt with my last post to more than one person.  What I’d like to say is that you probably saw me at a bad moment: one where I was sharp-tongued and let out a lot of hurt in a moment of spite.  Yes, I was very immature.  How did I explain it to myself earlier?  Oh, that I was like a fourteen year-old who had just gotten a Live Journal and had started to write everything about my oh-so-dramatic life.  So, to those I did hurt (and there is more than one of you), let’s talk it out in person, because I’m not going to keep up being a bitch via internet.  It’s just something I shouldn’t do.  If talking in person won’t work, we can have a telephone call, but I will not do this via internet or text message.  You know that’s not my style for working things out effectively.

Read Full Post »

Animosity, Wow!

(Note: I originally tried to hide this from third parties, but because of the drama and hurt I caused with it, I’m putting it fully into the open.  I better ready myself for deleting the spam comments.  There will be a follow up blog or two to explain some actions.  But you won’t see the full repercussions.)

Woah.  Just woah.  Where the hell have I been?  Has it really been more than two weeks since I updated?  Have I really said ‘ef it’ to everything online?  Yeah, turns out.  Somehow, I’ve ended up with only two public posts so far in May, which is a major turn around from my average of twelve, post-non-depression.  Oh wait, I’m sorry, let me put that in layman terms: I posted a shit tonne when I was depressed and stressed with school.  Now, I just sit in my room and internet around, or I’m flitting off with friends, having adventures and catching shit on fire.

Should I say that?  Adventures and fire?  Will that go against me?  We’ll pretend it won’t.

All right, making a mad dash to fill in crap.  Feel privileged–I haven’t even been writing in my diary because I’ve either been doing too much or just haven’t cared.  I guess that’s what summer does to you.  So, where do I begin?  Well, I’m still unpacking (my room looks ganky as fack; I can’t wait for everything to be put in its rightful place), I’ve hung out with my friends literally every day for nearly two weeks, and I don’t have a job.

Let’s start with the friends department.  We’ve been hanging out, catching up, blah blah blah: enjoyable.  Some friends and I meandered to the Renaissance Faire today (kick ass, let me tell you), have made far too many trips to Main Street, and have had a few get togethers that have all either ended in a bonfire or watching a movie or both.  Somehow, we end up adding gossiping like bitches and throwing dance parties into that mix, which then leads to trips to Steak and Shake in the dead of night.  I don’t know how this happens.

Something I do know that happens, and will most likely happen until the end of time, is that our friends will find gossip and drama to parade around.  Whether it be talking too much about the girls who are preggers or getting pissed off about not being invited to watch a television show that you don’t even like watching, we manage to claw at each other when backs are turned.

Now, I realise that this is just girl life (though how that ever became a standard, I’m unsure of), but damn it!  Can’t some people just hide their bitch-card once in a while?  For heaven’s sakes; I have a friend mad about not being invited to a small get together and another mad at me for eating a slice of pizza that I paid for.  And then the smart Facebook statuses full of complaints about it?  Really girls: get over it.  We’re all bitches to each other, so don’t feel so hurt.

I sound really negative, maybe on the edge of upset, but I’m not.  My mum even commented that I take social drama more maturely than anyone she’s ever met.  I don’t let my emotions get involved, and it’s why I am rarely disappointed or upset or angered over things that happen.  Not to mention that I accept the fact that I’m not everyone’s best friend and thus will not be invited to every little get-together.  I accept that I make other people uncomfortable at dance parties and that you’re afraid to touch me (unless you’re Alex, who decided to-hell-with-it and gave me a four second-long lap dance at a party because everyone else was too intimidated by me.  You win, Alex!).  I’m fully aware that people say mean things behind others’ backs then smile at them ten minutes later.  It’s kind of life, so I don’t get upset by this petty drama or how people treat me.  Getting bothered seems like a waste of time.

I guess I’m just trying to say that I wish others didn’t feel the need to be so upset by such small things.  No wonder heart-failure is so prevalent in this country: everyone is constantly moving fast and getting angry.  We all need to chill; have a Meditation With Missi day.  It will be glorious.  I promise.

Meanwhile, no job.  Not surprising, actually.  With this economy, even my friend who has applied for seventeen jobs can’t manage to grab one (and she’s one of the workers people should fight over).  You could say that I’ve given up without trying all that much.  After all, the Historical Society must need me in order to bring me in, and without the need, you might as well sit back and think of other things.  That ‘other thing’  for me has been painting.  I recently decided to start a miniature painting business (as in, I paint you a crappy picture for twenty bucks that you’ll probably hang in your dorm room).  It’s part hobby, part that I need the practise, and part summer job.  Maybe I can paint enough to have a little spending money for the summer (like, an extra fifty dollars, yo).  Nothing high-roller; I think of it more as bartering anyway.  You get a painting, I get a full tank of gas.  That sort of thing.

If you’re interested in purchasing a painting, let me know.  I’m best at abstracts and landscapes.  Give me the information, I’ll tell you size possibilities and prices.  We’ll work this old school.

Anyway, I can’t find much else to say.  This was more of a ‘let me fill you in and be a bitch along the way’ kind of blog.  And to anyone who would be upset by anything said: please take some time to chill and not let little things ruin your life.  You owe it to yourself.

Read Full Post »

how it’s shaping up

Well, the end of my first year at uni is upon me, and I can’t shake this feeling that it went by far too quickly.  As spring came along, my sense of time and directions seemed to do backflips, until I felt like I was at the beginning of the school year all over again.  I’d walk into the room and think it was September, but when the calendar said May, I’d skulk away, shaking my head.

It’s odd to see my room the way it is after having packed nearly two thirds of it away.  I ended up spending Saturday not studying and getting all of my clothes and items from drawers packed away into my truck.  And after only an hour, I was surprised to see my truck full and my room, well, not so full.

I’m actually taking home the truck load on Tuesday, though my reasons for going back to St. Charles are entirely different from a simple dump of items.  It’s starts back on Friday with a text message from one of my friends saying that the mum of a mutual friend had recently passed away.  She’d had cancer for several years, so it didn’t come to that great of a shock, but it was still very saddening.  I found myself worried and feeling empathy (I know, actual empathy), for my friend who had lost his mum.  And I ended up spending an entire night tossing and turning, wondering what to say to him.  In the midst of bad dreams, my brain somehow rattled together two sentences that I decided to send him via Facebook the next morning.

But it was a bad night.  A T-Rex dream kind of night.  Ever since I can remember, I’ve had these nightmares.  I’m running, running as fast as I can, but there’s always this T-Rex behind me, waiting to eat me up in one bite.  As much as I try not to, I always turn into this little child, this five-year old Missi who can’t seem to leave the middle of the street and run for safety.  And then, completely helpless and out of control, I’m gobbled up.  But this dream was different.  Suddenly, I was me, just me, and the T-Rex, well, it was nothing more than a silly stuffed animal.  It bit at me like a yappy dog, not able to do much more than draw a drop of blood.  Yet it was still ferocious, and I still felt an immense amount of fear toward the tiny thing.  I tried throwing it, bashing it against the floor, anything to keep it from turning right around and biting at my fingers, but I couldn’t kill it.  After a while, I was so lifeless, so angry in this dream as I bashed it again and again until I realised that I wasn’t me any more.  I may have still looked the same, but I had become the monster, the T-Rex, and that yappy little stuffed-animal of a monster was no different than me in all of those other dreams.  How pathetically funny that I had lost control.  No matter what, I would never win against this, because I would never have the control.  But I looked at the two situations.  In one, I had no physical control, but I still had me.  In the other, though I had the physical control, I was nothing more than a husk; there was no humanity left.  And, putting that T-Rex down and waking up, I decided I’d prefer to keep my humanity.

As I awoke, I finalised the words I would send to my friend, and upon checking into Facebook, I found that he had placed the time of his mum’s visitation as his status.  Tuesday, 4 until 9.  Well, I hadn’t any finals during that time, so I decided in the matter of only a minute that I would go.  I called my mum to finalise it, and now I have my plans set.  I’ll leave after my finals on Tuesday, get back to St. Charles around six, maybe eat something real quick, go to the visitation, unpack, wake up at seven on Wednesday, and drive right back up to Truman.  It will be hectic, but it’s something that I should do.  Or that I feel I should do, because even though I hadn’t really met her, I was friends with her son.  And that’s all that really matters.

– – –

My birthday is this week–on Friday.  Nineteen.  I’m still unsure what to think of it, so I try to think of nothing at all.  Chances are, I’ll make a fool of myself, wear a tiara, and go out to dinner.  Like every birthday, really.  The only difference is that it will be my last day of finals, so I will spend a grand majority of this birthday packing and driving back to Saint Charles.  But, how I see it, there is no greater present than getting to be alone for four hours with my own music, the windows down, and my own voice to sing and talk through my thoughts.  As I told some friends yesterday, it’s quality time that can’t be bought.

Read Full Post »

Something Substantial

I realise that I have put nothing of any substance onto this blog in well over three months.  Actually, let me rephrase, aside from my many posts about depression, I have not posted anything substantial.  And I usually don’t like that.  Trivial matters don’t make a good blog.  Not to say that my blog is any good; I think it’s rubbish.  But for those who do read this, it’s a burden to read something that is not actually interesting in any way.

Let me introduce you to a short summary of my year at university; it seems a good place to start.

I entered Truman State University back in August as a freshmen, completely clueless and maturing far too quickly.  I made no effort to make friends but allowed friends to find me.  In a matter of a month, I knew almost everyone in my dorm house and could call many of them friends.  Today, I count four of them amongst some of my closest friends.

I started studying psychology, which was enjoyable.  I can’t say the same for right now, but it’s because I’m getting my general education classes finished up and that includes the generals of psych.  Experimental designs and biological psychology do not interest me, but they will be gone in two months, and for that I’m grateful.  I also signed up for a studio art minor which I will be starting next semester.

During September, I started cutting down on meat in my diet and became a vegetarian by November.  I’ve been slowly losing weight and gaining muscle ever since and physically feel the best that I ever have, even with EDS catching at my feet and hands everyday, trying to trip me up.  My family has been surprisingly receptive to this.

My relationship with my family steadily grew worse from August to January, and I fought almost constantly with my mum.  A lot of the reasons behind this were about neither of us understanding each other and becoming very different people.  But none of those mattered as much as the fact that I was falling back into a depression.

After analysing my mental health over the past few years, here’s what I can say: I was depressed, possibly with dysthymia from the age of nine until twelve (which was caused by my parents’ divorce, moving across town, et cetera).  I ‘woke up’ from the depression in the middle of seventh grade and barely even knew where I was or what I was doing.  Imagine the fright of suddenly finding yourself in a classroom and realising that you were awake for the first time in four years.  I spent the next two years figuring out a whole lot about myself, dropping habits, picking up new ones.  A large part in getting back to the person I had been lied in making friends–the best of which I am still close to.  I did a lot of maturing in the next few years, and that’s still going on today.

But the thing is, my depression came back every now and then.  It was back for four months when I was fifteen, and it’s back again.  In the middle of December was where I first started to notice that something was going wrong.  By January, I was in completely chaos, and it only grew worse into February.  In the middle of last month, I started making some honest efforts to get well.  I started cutting back on junk food, which had become my diet since late December; I started dressing myself better; and I began to do anything in my power to think positively.  There have been set backs, but I’m getting well again and have been increasing in mood for almost a month now.  Be proud.

During the time that I was depressed, I stopped caring about class and friendships and all kinds of things.  I stopped reading for class, stopped studying until the last moment, and put myself behind.  Now, I’m playing a mad game of catch up over my spring break.  I fought with my mum and became annoyed at anything she did, or my room mate did, or other people would do.  But I’d only take it out on her, and for that I’m sorry.  I’d like you to know, though, that things have been getting better for us over the past month.  We haven’t fought a single time, and I’ve started to talk to her more often and think of it as less of a chore.  Maybe it’s part growing up and maybe it’s part feeling better, but I’m happy.  I love my mum dearly, and I don’t want to hurt her again.

But, luckily, I have gotten to see my best friends over the past two weeks.  I visited Laura down in Springfield, visited with Molly back home, and will visit yet another bestie in a few days at Rolla.  I’ve also gotten to see Erica, Daniel, and Brooke; and though I see Rebecca and Noah quite often, it’s still nice to spend time with them too.  It has really helped to see them.

On the Thursday and Friday before I left for spring break, I was feeling completely down.  It was one of those times where, even though you’ve been doing really well, you completely fall down and crumble to pieces.  For a generally unemotional person, there was a lot of crying–mostly over a falling out with a friend whom I had considered close.  I’d had to leave the living room with my friends just to go cry for ten minutes.  I found myself crying while walking from class.  I even found myself crying while studying.  Terrible two days.  But, on Friday, as I was finishing up a rather lengthy complaint to my diary, I heard a pounding at the door.  So fierce was the pounding, that I leaped from my loft bed in order to answer it, yelling, “Coming!” all the way.  When I opened the door, I was not surprised to see Rebecca (she’s the only one who will pound down my door).  But I was surprised that she, Cat, and Ramina were there simply to say goodbye to me because they were leaving at 13.00 for home while Noah and I were leaving at 16.00.  I told her that it brightened my mood considerably that she had stopped by.  And maybe that’s the point of friends; that, when you’re feeling your lowest, they are there to show you the sun again.

Speaking of the sun, it’s out.  And it’s beautiful.  I can’t tell you how much that I have missed any weather that was not white and grey.  Seeing bright blue skies with temperatures reaching into the sixties and falling rain and the dead grass.  Well, it’s more than I can bare because it’s so beautiful.  When I realised that it was raining last night, I sneaked away from my room, rolled up my pants, and just stood there, letting the rain seep into my hair and sweater and roll down my face.  It was like being washed clean, and it would be impossible for me to describe how much I had missed it.  A fresh start was so necessary; thank God for it.

Here, I wanted to write something substantial for you, and I started talking about depression again, but maybe it was necessary.  Perhaps that’s what I needed to talk about to sum some things up before trying to move on and read psychology and go outside to enjoy this day.  I’m maturing, and quickly.  Welcome to the ride.

Read Full Post »

“Damn the Louisiana Purchase!”

The above title is a nice little quote from my friend Laura, while discussing the plagues of bad urban planning.  You see, we were chilling in the Springfield library after a full twenty-four hours of roaming town and falling dead on our feet in her dorm (which looks slightly more like an apartment than a dorm room), and I ended up getting my hands on a lovely little home decor book.  Laura is an architecture major and was instantly interested in not only the chic decor that kept coming up but also by the sections on utilising a small space.

“See,” she said, “If everyone lived in houses this small and right on top of each other, we wouldn’t have to worry about driving all around town and getting fat because of it.”

“Agreed,” I said, “It’s why I want a big city.  I can walk anywhere or take public transportation because everything is compressed together.  It’s why I also hate suburbs.”

“Suburbs are the worst idea ever.  You see, architects have control of everything.  We’re in charge of urban planning.”

I scoffed a little, “Well, you guys didn’t do much back in the fifties and sixties when suburbs became the big new thing.  But we just had so much land in the US that we could afford to spread out.  And now look where it has gotten us.”

“We wouldn’t have this problem if we were tiny like in Europe…  Damn the Louisiana Purchase!”  Rebecca and I laughed at Laura.  “It’s true!  If we hadn’t bought all of that land, then we’d be able to live in cities still!”  The three of us laughed, still flipping through pages of apartments.  But, you know, she was right.  Urban planning needs to be done to enable Americans to walk and move around rather than drive ten miles to the store each day.  That’s inefficient and spells out obesity in a heartbeat.  We need less land.  Damn the Louisiana Purchase.

– – –

This weekend, Rebecca, Noah, and I went to Springfield, Missouri to visit our friends Laura and Kevin.  We ended up spending the weekend walking around town and going to interesting places.  In fact, I can now scratch many things onto my “Things I Have Done” list, even though I’m sure that list doesn’t exist anywhere but in my mind.

Some of the things that I can add include:

• Having fondue for the first time.
• Going to a gay bar. (Interesting to say the least.)
• Watching a drag show.  (Ditto.)
• Being hit on by some guy driving around in circles around the Springfield square, obviously drunk.
• Walked on live train tracks with friends.
• Didn’t wear a coat outside for the first time this year.
• Buying a shirt that was too expensive and that I didn’t even like because of some kind of weird mind-pressure.  (Trust that I have learned my lesson and will not be buying any type of clothing or accessories until summer break starts.  Oh how difficult this will be.)
• Watched ‘New Moon’.  (Please, stay clear of this.)
• Rewatched ‘Spice World’.  (Okay, I have done this one before, but it’s so epic that it must be mentioned again.)

All in all, great weekend.  And, while we chilled in the library for two hours, I was able to thumb through three decorating books and get inspiration for my room next year with Katie (not to mention that Laura’s room is adorable, so I took some inspiration from that).  It will be interesting to see how my dorm will look next year.  There are so many ideas running rabid in my head that I can’t shuffle through them fast enough.  The ideas that I do have solidified include that I’m bringing up less clothing and junk next year, bringing a trunk that will double as a coffee table and seating, buying more bookends, making a basket out of wood and fabric, making about six or seven new paintings over this summer (and one over spring break, hopefully!), and creating a wall hanging out of German postcards to decorate the under side of my bed.  So, basically, watch out for Missi’s kick ass creative projects, yo.

– – –

My spring break is in about four days, and I can’t explain to you how excited I am.  During break, I plan on hitting up Main Street a few times to both chill and start searching for a summer job.  That way, I can hopefully work somewhere that I will enjoy–Main Street is honestly my favourite place in the world.  I also plan on painting, seeing that new Alice in Wonderland film with my friends, and getting caught up with my psych reading (nine chapters of reading between two classes?  Yeah!  Bring it on!).

And, hopefully, I’ll be seeing you.  : )

Read Full Post »