Oh yes…

…I know where I’ll be this November.  Oh no…I don’t know where I’ll be in two weeks.

Dear goodness, the final weeks are upon us at university, and the realisation that I will be back home in less than two weeks slightly terrifies me.  Part of it is the looming desire to get a job that I just can’t get.  The other part is the angry rumble of finals starting this week and lasting until 7 May, which, by the way, is my birthday.

Now, I won’t say that I feel so old, because damn-it, nineteen was never meant to be old, but I won’t say that I’m particularly thrilled with getting to be another year older.  And it’s funny, too, because I used to scoff at people who feared their next birthday.  Sure, I don’t really fear the 7th.  I’m already an adult, so what can another year do aside from lower my drivers insurance?  But it’s still an odd realisation that I’m two years from drinking age, four from when I’ll have to get my own insurance, and six years from when I hit that middle bump in the twenties.  All of this is coming closer like a squall line.  You see it moving awfully slow, but before you know it, the rain comes.

Squalls have been moving in quite a lot lately, and my window gets pelted with mist and water droplets continuously.  It’s relaxing to just sit with the window open, feeling the mist pour into the room and stick to the cover of a National Geographic in hand.  Because, as we all know, I’m an addict for National Geographic magazines.  Add in some NPR, BBC News, and a cup of tea, and I’m set.  Set to be either educated or a fifty-two year old man: you decide.

Really, though, this grandmum of a girl has no clue where she’s going.  In two weeks, will I be getting calls about my volunteer job that the State said I’d get?  Or will I be listening to some Joanna Newsom and painting?  Never before have I been so fearful of what I’m doing in my future; I’ve always been a planner who knew exactly where she was going.  But the summer is a gaping hole in my vision.  Once uni starts up again, I’ll be right back in the swing of things: I know where I’m living, how my room will be set up, what classes I’ll be taking, the clubs I’ll be in…  I even know that I will be seeing Harry Potter in the theatres and Muse in concert in November.  Oh yes, MUSE!

I rant and rave about my favourite bands–Nickel Creek, Vampire Weekend, Regina Spektor, et cetera–and Muse is no exception.  I’m incredibly blessed to have the opportunity to see them and be in good seats.  The only downside is that buying tickets didn’t go according to plan, so my group will not all be sitting together.  But, such is life.  I figure that I did the best I could, so it’s time to except what it will be, get the fuck over everything, and just muse at, well, Muse.

Anyway, I’ll leave you with a poem.  It’s nothing fantastic, but I feel like I should add some of my more creative works onto this blog as well.

– – –

Invisible and present only to reflections

in glass ponds upon southern streets,

Drift the tears of ghosts once

scattered by the angels.

They miss the sun piercing the hearts;

the hearts of blossoms in mourning

of a spring that never came.

But Mason jars brushed with dust

lie in the arms of the angels

who wait beneath the spektors’ cry.

Sweet circles echo upon the mirrors;

rubbish from the point-of-view

of those so desperate to touch God.

And so, invisible be the mourning,

never viewed by the humans

who pass by the blossoms,

still lit in cold,

but in the pools of glass on southern streets.

Read Full Post »

Surprised

After typing my 1200 plus word blog, I cleared my mind by eating lunch.  I wasn’t all that hungry, and maybe it’s because my mind was too busy, but I set out to eat something before the cafeteria shut down until dinner.

While there, I ate beef strogonof and an array of vegetables, and I have to admit that the beef was terrible.  Or, at least, it was in my opinion.  I really haven’t been eating much meat lately, and my friend is encouraging me to become vegetarian since I’m only eating about one or two pieces of meat per week anyway.  I’ve been putting thought into what he said lately, and I know that it really wouldn’t be that difficult to become a vegetarian.  Besides, I’ve stopped drinking milk for soy milk, I already refuse to wear leather, and I’m really not that big of a fan of meat anyway.

Plus, meat is really difficult for your body to digest, which can lead to intestinal problems (thank you Skinny Bitch for that information).  Not to mention there are a lot of antibiotics pumped into meats that mess with your immune system.  And while there’s the worry about pesticides in vegetables, you can buy organic at the local farmers market.  If you’re worried the label “organic” is false, buy from the Amish woman rather than the man wearing a ripped t-shirt.  It doesn’t work every time, but it makes me feel a little bit better about what I’m eating and who I’m funding.

Aside from that, the Amish woman was nicer and gave me five tomatoes for a dollar–not half bad.

Anyway, as I sat at an empty table, eating the beef as quickly as possible in order to get to the good parts of the meal (i.e. the noodles, peas, green beans, and onions), a girl asked if she could sit next to me.  Of course I said yes; I enjoy meeting new people since you never know what they’ll be like.  She was easy to talk to, and we ended up finding that we both loved Muse.  After a long conversation, I felt that I had made a new friend, which was fairly exciting.

And, the reason I bring this up is because I was surprised by it.  I’ve lived here for a month, and I’m still meeting new people.  With that, I’m still gaining new friends.  It just goes to prove that people you can appreciate can be around you all the time, but sometimes, you have to open your eyes to see them.  And, meeting someone new may seem trivial, but who’s to say that trivial encounter won’t yield a friendship or at least aquaintance?  Life is funny, and you never know how things are going to work out.  Just remember that, as much as life is a raft ride down a river, sometimes you have to take the initiative to get yourself into a new river if it looks better.  It may be as trivial as pushing your hand across a rock, but who’s to say that it won’t lead you to a greater ride?

Read Full Post »

Invincible

Sometimes, I wish that Matthew Bellamy’s voice spoke the truth; that together we’re invincible. But, lately, I find myself more alone than ever. And it’s an odd feeling: loneliness. For starters, I’m of the type to rarely feel lonesomeness. But, the past few months have given me doubt as to whether or not I do feel loneliness, with the winner being that I most likely do feel it.

University has been a major change for me, though I’m adapting quite well when it comes to the basic emotions of the process. My room-mate and I get along very well, my house-mates are all great people that I enjoy spending time with, the food is spectacular, and my classes haven’t been all that bad. Adapting to the intense amounts of reading seemed to be the most difficult, but now I’m finding that there are other things going on in my mind at present. I’m not sure if I’m adapting emotionally enough, though. I don’t miss home. But I miss something. I miss my friends that I left in St. Charles. I miss the Missouri River and sitting beside it. I miss the feeling of the city lying on my doorstep. Kirksville is wonderful, but there’s something not right about it, and I think that it is the same with any university. It’s the fact that our lives are now taking a backseat, and everything focuses on Campus. These few blocks now make up my entire world, and I am not the type to be boxed in. I like existing somewhere large–it’s why I want to move to the city. Suburbs, towns, rural communities, and campuses just aren’t conducive to a happy Missi.

And I’m not sure if my missing something links back to loneliness. I see friends daily, and things work out. I’ve met some cool people, too, just not people to replace friends that I already have. There are a couple friends that I’m missing a lot that I just couldn’t replace. One of them being someone that I just realised I missed today. We were never super close, but friends nonetheless. In fact, I might have been closer to her brother. Still, I realised today that I missed her, and I told her so.

Anyway, though, none of this really makes sense. These are just thoughts that I wanted to relay, and organisation took a backseat. Which, I have to admit, is unusual for me. I’m more of a thinker than a feeler, though that line is getting narrower as time goes by. And maybe I only notice it more than the average person because I’m so in tune with myself. I know myself rather well, and it makes it easy to see the changes.

It probably doesn’t help that I study MBTI, either. But that’s another story.

I think I bring up these thoughts right now because of two things: I am terrified of my psychology exam tomorrow (one that is supposedly extremely difficult and that I have not yet studied for), and my dog is dying. The latter weighing more heavily on my mind. Teddy is the same as a sibling to me, and this is going to be difficult. Within this year, I lost my home, will lose my dog, and will lose my grandmother (who’s dying of cancer). Altogether, things just don’t seem to be going right.

But I’ll keep listening to Muse and sitting outside and trying to breathe. And, within the next few weeks here, maybe I’ll get the new Muse CD. Maybe that will help. Most likely not, though.

Read Full Post »