Posts Tagged ‘stress’

I don’t need to be here.  In fact, I need to be reading my psychology text book and writing my speech for Monday’s public speaking course.  But, instead, I’m sitting at my desk on my laptop, trying not to fall asleep with the stress of not actually doing anything.

Procrastination and I aren’t friends; we hate each other, actually.  Yet, for the amount of dislike between us, we certainly do hang out quite a bit.

Yesterday was certainly fun, though, even with Procrastination nagging at the back of my mind.  R, N, J (my roomie), and I went to Oktoberfest at Truman, and it was windy and freezing–freezing enough that we exchanged our winter jackets for full coats before heading back outside.  From there, we wandered campus, exploring once again.  We found hidden basements, a bathroom that I swear must be the Chamber of Secrets (even more so than that other hidden bathroom I was talking about), and scary staircases leading to dead-ends.  All in all, a hell of a good time.

Later, we went back to the living room to play Rock Band together.  Soon, people from all over the house were coming to watch and play, and the four of us expanded to a good party of eight or so.

And even later, R, N, and I went to the “All Science Rave”.  It was your average dance, club atmosphere at a frat house, but there was no food and no beverages, so I felt pretty safe about the atmosphere.  Or, at least I did until two hours in, when a girl stumbled in with a gallon-looking glass jug of blue alcohol.  R and I looked over at her, looked to each other, and immediately went to fetch our coats from the other room.  N, R, and I ran out and looked back at the crowded frat party.

“Did that seriously just happen?” I asked.  It’s probably supposed to happen, I thought.  So, we met up with a girl who lives in N’s dorm, and we were hanging out in a lounge for another hour before leaving.

So, in a terrible rush, that’s what I did yesterday.  Fun until the alcohol-laden sluts ran into the science party.  And, yes, they were sluts, because they danced drunkenly on the table with each other, waiting for guys to think they were hot.  It was rather disgusting, and R and I were far away from there once those girls moved in.  In fact, it was because of them that we went to the entrance and saw the girl with alcohol walking in.  Good time, right?

It sucks that people are so into alcohol.  Why do something when you won’t remember it the next day?  It seems rather pointless to live if you’re always getting completely drunk.  Not to mention that it has a lot of negative side-effects both physically and mentally.  About a quarter of all college drop-outs drop out because of alcohol.  Great.

Anyway, that’s about it for the day.  I’m going to go freeze some more in the my room as I sit with Procrastination and think about doing my psychology and speech work.

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Sometimes, I wish that Matthew Bellamy’s voice spoke the truth; that together we’re invincible. But, lately, I find myself more alone than ever. And it’s an odd feeling: loneliness. For starters, I’m of the type to rarely feel lonesomeness. But, the past few months have given me doubt as to whether or not I do feel loneliness, with the winner being that I most likely do feel it.

University has been a major change for me, though I’m adapting quite well when it comes to the basic emotions of the process. My room-mate and I get along very well, my house-mates are all great people that I enjoy spending time with, the food is spectacular, and my classes haven’t been all that bad. Adapting to the intense amounts of reading seemed to be the most difficult, but now I’m finding that there are other things going on in my mind at present. I’m not sure if I’m adapting emotionally enough, though. I don’t miss home. But I miss something. I miss my friends that I left in St. Charles. I miss the Missouri River and sitting beside it. I miss the feeling of the city lying on my doorstep. Kirksville is wonderful, but there’s something not right about it, and I think that it is the same with any university. It’s the fact that our lives are now taking a backseat, and everything focuses on Campus. These few blocks now make up my entire world, and I am not the type to be boxed in. I like existing somewhere large–it’s why I want to move to the city. Suburbs, towns, rural communities, and campuses just aren’t conducive to a happy Missi.

And I’m not sure if my missing something links back to loneliness. I see friends daily, and things work out. I’ve met some cool people, too, just not people to replace friends that I already have. There are a couple friends that I’m missing a lot that I just couldn’t replace. One of them being someone that I just realised I missed today. We were never super close, but friends nonetheless. In fact, I might have been closer to her brother. Still, I realised today that I missed her, and I told her so.

Anyway, though, none of this really makes sense. These are just thoughts that I wanted to relay, and organisation took a backseat. Which, I have to admit, is unusual for me. I’m more of a thinker than a feeler, though that line is getting narrower as time goes by. And maybe I only notice it more than the average person because I’m so in tune with myself. I know myself rather well, and it makes it easy to see the changes.

It probably doesn’t help that I study MBTI, either. But that’s another story.

I think I bring up these thoughts right now because of two things: I am terrified of my psychology exam tomorrow (one that is supposedly extremely difficult and that I have not yet studied for), and my dog is dying. The latter weighing more heavily on my mind. Teddy is the same as a sibling to me, and this is going to be difficult. Within this year, I lost my home, will lose my dog, and will lose my grandmother (who’s dying of cancer). Altogether, things just don’t seem to be going right.

But I’ll keep listening to Muse and sitting outside and trying to breathe. And, within the next few weeks here, maybe I’ll get the new Muse CD. Maybe that will help. Most likely not, though.

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